If it wasn’t for the jersey colors and the empty netter looking different, I’d be sure we just watched a repeat of game one. Lundy stood on his head, scoreless through two, Girardi and Kreider put the Rangers up by a pair and just like that we’re watching Monday’s highlights again. Marty was again worthy of admonishing instant replays galore, but it was Hank who took the shutout because of a solid sixty minute effort. Breakaways galore, traffic in front, shots glove side – nothing could get past THE KING today…
But as much as this helps dictate good moods for Ranger fans all weekend, we can only assume another shitty performance is on its way for Monday night, right?. No chance we come out looking remotely hungry. None. Oh well, we all know it’s going seven anyway. Excellent effort, every other game – that’s the Ranger way! @Osgood_StoolNYC
KFC – I hate the NBA, but it seems like everyone loves to hate LeBron because he’s a douche and his nickname is The King when in fact he’s never actually won anything. Hate to break it to you, that tool Osgood, and El Pres, but there’s an athlete in NYC with the exact same traits. Your man-crush, Henrik “King Nothing” Lundquist, is the Bron Bron of the NHL. No Vezina’s, no Cups, no Finals appearances, and the ignorant media and retarded fans still call him The King. I mean the dude even wears a hat with his number and a crown logo on it, fucking delusional. Let’s go Devils! -Doug
Gumdrop: A-fucking-men, Doug the Devils fan. These Rags fans are as delusional as any asshole out there wearing a #6 Heat jersey, and there are endless examples aside from your extremely apt Lundqvist comparison. Plane rides to games across the Hudson, for crying out loud! And did you see that article from Osgood earlier this week? “Ranger envy” he said - honestly the most delusional label for Devils fans I’ve ever heard. Leave it to a city-loving dickhole from Connecticut to turn some #NoBlue story into a self-centered sense of superiority rant with little to no humor included. Um, bro, when you have to preface your argument with the statement “Forget the on-ice successes per season stat” then you’re pretty much fucked in the debate department. Do I really care that MSG is consistently packed to capacity with corporate suits? Not at all. Do I give second thought to the fact that I occasionally have to scan the channel guide to find MSG+2? Barely. Do I care that on average I probably pay 4x less for my season tickets than Rangers fans? Hell yes I do, and I love it. Draw as many “fans” as you want and enjoy watching your team lose year after year. Keep dumping your money into Dolan’s pockets and always leaving your Garden unsatisfied with the results. One thing’s for sure, I’ll take three cups over a broker-bought packed house any day, so you can take that envy theory and stick it right up Queen Lundy’s royal vag. Fucking delusional is right…
I know what it is though, Doug. They’re afraid of the truth and overcompensating with shit-talk that resembles nothing close to the reality of their lives. They haven’t won a goddamn thing since dudes were still allowed to skate around helmetless and now they’re losing their home away from home rink too. They’re bummed that Blueshit fans won’t be able to catch a cheap game at the Rock so easily anymore. Sure, there’s still going to be a strong Rag presence in Newark this series, but it’ll be weaker than usual and it’s not just because of some twitter trend. “Red Alert” was an unspoken success against the Flyers and now it’s just common knowledge – we’re keeping home ice for ourselves. All the old, dirty, delusional, Garden state Rangers fans who were watching hockey before the 80’s are slowly dying off slowly, and there’s a new generation of Jerseyians, raised on traditions of winning and a steady stream of Stanley Cups, ready to make sure they’re no longer heard when they walk into our building. Game three, get loud, LET’S GO DEVILS! @GumdropNJD
The combination of the Yankees’ abysmal play the last few nights and watching games on that thing Toronto calls a baseball field is depressing the shit out of me. Hopefully interleague play will bring with it some semblance of life to this sputtering offense. Seriously, how dead do the Yankees look right now? It will most likely be an afterthought at the end of the season, but this team’s age has been showing the last couple weeks. Fortunately for the Yankees, the team absolutely rapes interleague play with the best record in the game since cross-league showdowns began. This may be exactly what they need to get moving again. It reminds me of the 2009 series when the Yankees went on to the Series. Yankees entered a game against the Braves completely lifeless, but turned it around on a Francisco Cervelli home run to left center, sparking a hot streak that lasted for the remainder of the year. That hit was the first time in weeks that I saw any emotion in the ’09 team. It was also the first time I found out Cervelli was Spanish and not Italian during his post game interview. So let’s hope interleague play is the kick that this team needs to wake the fuck up, because for now, the Yankees are stale and hard to watch. First pitch at 7:07, down 2 runs at 7:12 has become a bit of a staple the past week or so. Hopefully that ends with seeing an unfamiliar jersey on the mound.
P.S.- One of the best parts of interleague play is the potential chance of seeing Mo grab a bat and take some cuts. Really sucks that isn’t gonna happen this year.
Dude ease up. You and the Cap’n Make It Happen, I thought? Since its kinda been like food week here at the Stool, I’ll finish off the week with a quick cereal list. Bear in mind its Friday afternoon so this doesn’t have my heart and soul in it, but its a pretty good indicator of where I stand cereal wise. Before people get bent out of shape, I ironically don’t like chocolate cereal. So there will be no Cocoa Puffs, Cookie Crisp, Reese’s Etc on this list. Just deal with it
5. Honey Nut Cheerios – Old faithful. Not as boring and plain as Corn Flakes, but still has some sort of healthy value. Touch of honey and the first bite you take you’re always reminded “You know, these are pretty good.”
4. Frosted Flakes – How mad do you think the Corn Flakes inventor was when some dude just jacked his idea and put sugar on them? That guy straight up got Zuckerberg’d. Or Winklevoss’d. However you look at it.
3. Corn Pops – Theres a reason why people say “I gotta have my Pops.” Because they are fucking delicious. Those little puffs are pretty soggy resistant too. You’re not gonna get kids jumping up in the air for Pops but they are solid regardless.
2. Lucky Charms – Who would have thought dried up marshmallows would be so goddam delicious? And listen I know everyone always bashes the oates portion of Lucky Charms, and for good reason. But lets be honest, we couldn’t have a bowl of just marshmallows. The oats are a necessary evil. This cereal was delicious when you’re 5 and will be delicious until you’re 105.
1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch – The undisputed champion of cereals. The Oreos of breakfast. Not something outrageously childish with marshmallows, but sugary enough to please the masses. Especially like 4-5 minutes in when they aren’t so crunchy they rip up the roof of your mouth but not yet too soggy. Perfect.
Important note regarding cereal – I can vividly remember time periods in my life where I have had full blown obsessions with almost every cereal out there. Except for fag shit like shredded wheat. But I went through Apple Jacks phases, Trix phases, Fruit Loops. I think the only cereal I never ate was Smacks. Just a testament to how awesome all cereal is. Every top 5 list is probably money.
PS – My roommate has had ONE bowl of cereal his whole life. Im pretty sure hes a terrorist.
I sit here every day pouring my heart and soul into fire blogs thinking that I’m doing the best job ever and helping Barstool reach a day where we go public and are worth $100 billion. Just like this cleaning lady is just dialed in to creating the cleanest rug you’ve ever fuckin seen. Problem is, her hose ain’t plugged in. Neither is mine. KFC’s hose isn’t plugged in.
What does that mean exactly? I’m not sure. But I think it means nobody is ever gonna pay 100 billion for jokes about donuts and TV and tits. My hose ain’t plugged in.
DORAL, Fla. – A man suing after a major medical mistake left him disfigured gave testimony Thursday that revealed the intimate details of his misery. Late Thursday afternoon, Enrique Milla testified at the Miami-Dade County Courthouse from his new home in Lima, Peru via Skype. He said he wanted a penile implant to improve his sex life in 2007. “About a year before I realized I had problems,” Milla said through a translator. “I had problems having intimate relations with my wife. As time went by, that problem got worse.” Milla’s problems began after a Gangrene infection spread through his penis about nine days after the surgery. Aronfeld detailed the traumatic experience his client went through. “Turned into a flesh-eating bacteria that ate his penis centimeter by centimeter,” he said, ” and as a result of this, he has to spend the rest of his life without a functioning penis. He has to sit down to urinate. He’ll never have any intimate relationships with anyone, and he’s lost his manhood.”
And isn’t it ironic? Dontcha think? Its like raaaaiiin on your wedding day! Its like getting a penile implant to make your dick bigger and then losing your cock all together to a flesh eating bacteria! Its like 10,000 spoons, when all you need is a knife! Its like meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife.
How many centimeters of your dick would you need to be consumed before killing yourself? One. Thats the answer. An centimeter. Once I had a single centimeter of my dick disappear like Marty McFly’s family in that photograph in Back To The Future, I’d give up on life. Because thats precious fuckin real estate, you know? I’m not like Lexington Steele with a 200 centimeter dick. If he lost a few CMs it ain’t no thang. Thats like a deck chair off the Titanic. KFC starts losing centimeters here and there and his dick is gone in a matter of weeks. I’d rather off myself and go to heaven where I have a 10 inch dick or go to hell where I have the same tiny dick I have now than live on earth watching my penis erode in horrendously painful fashion.
ESPN – Mark Sanchez has received a lot of criticism this offseason, the latest coming from an unlikely source — the punter. Wait, make that the ex-punter. New York Giant Steve Weatherford, whose 15 minutes of fame have lasted five months, questioned Sanchez’s maturity this week during an NFL.com podcast. “I like Mark — I think he’s a very talented quarterback — but from my standpoint, I haven’t seen a lot of maturation,” said Weatherford, making the media rounds this week because the Giants received their Super Bowl rings. “When you’re a quarterback and you come in, and you’re expected to be the face of the franchise, and you’re expected to lead the team. “That’s a lot to take on as a rookie. But as the years go on, I think you’re expected to mature, skill-wise, and also mature as a leader, and to be honest with you, as much as I like the guy, I just haven’t seen that.”
I’m so fucking sick of Steve Weatherford’s shtick. Just shut your fucking mouth dude. Yea, I get it, you’re a great punter. Yea, I get it, you used to play for the Jets and won a ring with the Giants. Cool. Now just pipe down. I mean words like this, you better have a personal problem with someone. Because if an ex-teammate or anyone for that matter was just randomly chirping about me and criticizing the job I do thats nothing more than a gossipy bitch talking behind my back. His criticism isn’t even necessarily wrong, its just that he has no reason to bash the kid. Give a generic answer about the guy like every other athlete does and keep it movin. What do you have to gain by saying this shit? Dickhead.
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